Okay so last Thursday was kinda my last day at school. Let me explain a little somethin’ somethin’
Last year in May i graduated from high school and in September i went to college. I had to sign myself in before the first of May, but in April i still had no idea what i wanted to study. I decided (very last minute) to do some tests - some on the internet, some with professional people - and see what came out as my interests and stuff like that. All of the tests told me to do something with languages or communication, which didn’t really surprise me. So i went to the presentations of two communication majors at a college in Amsterdam. At the first one, Communication And Multimedia Design, i found myself constantly listening and taking notes, at the second one, Communication Management, i found myself become bored. So to me it was very clear back then. But i hadn’t done any research as to what the major was about and what you learned in those years. But since i did want to start studying i decided to just sign myself in.
I started in September but already in February i started having my doubts if this was the right choice for me. It was very “technical”. I learned how to work with HTML & Javascript, which i found extremely boring. I also failed miserably at doing my homework or very sometimes showing up in general. My grades were very bad and i wasn’t happy. I thought that maybe that was just a bad semester, and promised myself to really try harder on the next semesters. But i didn’t. I kept procrastinating and sometimes not showing up. I didn’t even know what some of my subjects exactly were about.
The main reason that i procrastinate so much, is because in high school i could get away with that. I did everything last minute and i (almost) always passed. Or at least got a grade high enough. But in college you can’t do that. You can’t get away with it and i think that’s something that i really am going to have to work on.
For now, i am not sure what i’m going to do. Which freaks me out. I like having control and especially when it’s my life. Not knowing what i’m gonna do or what’s gonna happen with my life scares me and it makes me extremely anxious. Sometimes i just get so afraid that one day i’ll be homeless, or just a nobody that achieved nothing in his life.
About a week ago i decided that it’s no use of forcing myself to do something i don’t like. I might disappoint someone, but this is what is best for me. My plan is to take a year off, work and make some money, work on my photography and travel. Trying to find myself and figuring out what i love and what i want to do with my life, cause for as now, i have no idea at all.
I am mainly scared to tell my parents. I don’t know why since i’m only 17 and it’s quite rare for a 17 year old to know exactly what they want. But i feel like i’m letting my parents down. I’ve always been the steady one, i’ve always done it on my own and i (almost) always succeeded and i feel that now i have failed miserably. And it’s all my own fault.
I do truly think that taking a year off to find myself and find what i like is a good idea, but at the same time i’m really afraid it’s not. I’m very scared that i’m just gonna lay around all day and do nothing else but work and watch Netflix or Youtube. But i’m willing to take that risk, cause right now i really really really wouldn’t know what to do with my life. I hope my parents will be okay with my decision and will accept it. I will obviously need and want their help on finding things out, but that’s another one of my flaws. I don’t like to ask people for help. When i’ve achieved something but i got a lot of help from someone, i feel like didn’t really achieved it. I feel like i’m lifting on someone’s succes. I also tend to let the other person find everything out, instead of doing it together. But this time i truly need the help of my parents. Because without them, i will be laying around, doing nothing but watching Netflix and Youtube…
